Kingdom Come Deliverance


#1

Finally finished my exams! Was planning to play multiplayer games, but then was tipsy and tired…so I didn’t!

So, I had this in the library and had always meant to give it a try. I have done so! I will update with my impressions as I go.

First impression: STOP LOCKING ONTO PEOPLE WHILE YOU’RE RUNNING AWAY, YOU STUPID BASTARD

Second impression: Wow the voice acting is bad

Third impression: Ooh, pretty village

Fourth impression: Ooh…pretty village fucking tanks the frame rate

Fifth impression: Ha-ha-ha. Just solemnly found the corpses of my murdered parents, begged their forgiveness for fleeing the army that killed them and swore to avenge them. First though, I said I would bury them by their home. Then I looted my mom and stole her pretzel. Snack time, bitches!

Sixth impression: The main character has the personality of a leaky turnip

Seventh impression: Looting a shit ton of pretzels. The fuck was up with this town? Is this why the army invaded? To cut off the pretzel supply at its source? It’s like some nightmarish Austrian hellscape - decaying corpses and pretzels scattered over the smoldering fields


#2

Eighth impression: I stopped a rape by whistling at them. I appreciate that I helped, but I feel like the game is giving a weird message. Like, I’m not an expert, but pretty confident the best way to prevent sexual assault is not wandering by and wolf-whistling? Any HR experts in the audience?


#3

Ninth impression: Hee-hee. A lady came to visit me in my bedchambers. Ooh-er, you might say, but it gets better. She chatted for a bit, but then the game glitched and I started floating out of the room like some kind of sleepy Jesus. Best way of dealing with a conversation you’re not invested in, just Aladdin’s carpet your way out of that fucker.


#4

Lumberyard!

Until RDR gets a PC release, or M&B Warband, it is the nicest ‘ride about on a horse’ game, but the combat felt like it really wanted analogue sticks. It also has a wide collection of functionally similar clothing second only to morrowind (no, i want the leather belt, bone right pauldron, sponge left bracer, a cyberpunk hat, and cats for shoes). The main characters annunciation haunts me.

May your pretzels spoil slowly and your enemies become glitched into doors!


#5

I got drunk with the Prince had a threesum and woke up naked all in all a great game


#6

I have this installed but just haven’t got around to playing. Sounds like it could be a good game to waste some hours in.